Cat Humor

Why My Lips Stay Chapped

Our 10-year-old cat, Jack, just recently died. Jack was great with kids. Our three carried him around and even sat on him, but nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out all day and nap on the mat in our bathroom.

When the kids were 4, 3, and 1 year old, our middle child, Eli, really loved Chapstick. LOVED it! He kept asking to use my chapstick and then would lose it. Finally, I showed him where I kept my Chapstick in the bathroom drawer. I said he could use it whenever he liked, but was to put it back in the drawer when he was done.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush-around to get ready for Church, with everyone crying and carrying on. Eli and the oldest were fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I was trying to nurse the little one and put on my make-up at the same time. Everything was a mess and no one remembered that this was the special day to honor Mom.

We got the oldest and the baby loaded in the car, then couldn't find Eli. I searched everywhere and finally rounded the corner to go into the bathroom. There was Eli. Applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack the Cat's  . . . rear end.

Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."  If you have a cat, you know Eli was right -- their rears do look pretty chapped. And, Jack didn't seem to mind.  The only question at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that or the HUNDREDTH.

That Mother's Day moment reminds us that no matter how hard you try to civilize those glorious little creatures, there may come a day you are shocked to learn you've been sharing your Chapstick with the cat.

Why Don't Cats Wash Before They Eat?

As legend goes, the cat once caught a mouse and was about to eat the tasty little morsel when the mouse scolded the cat for her bad manners. "What?" cried the mouse, "You're going to eat me without first washing your face and hands?"

The mortified cat immediately dropped the mouse and began washing, and the clever little mouse quickly ran away.

Ever since, cats have not washed up before dinner.

Cat Commandments

• Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
• Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
• Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are NOT transparent.
• Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
• Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
• Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
• Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
• Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
• Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 AM.
• Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
• Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.
• Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
• Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
• Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

A Dog's Diary

8:00 a.m. - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 a.m. - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 a.m.- A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 a.m. - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 p.m. - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 1:00 p.m. - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 p.m. - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 p.m. - Dinner! My favorite thing! 7:00 p.m. - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 p.m. - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 p.m. - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Things You Can Learn From Your Cat

Make the world your playground. Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps. If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do. When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often. When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. When in doubt, cop an attitude. Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care."

There is no snooze button on a cat that wants breakfast.